In the Spirit of Adventure and Self Renewal

He was the immigrant, a tourist who'd gone to a foreign country, met a local woman, and decided to stay. The point wasn't to make her more like him, to fill her head with the same crap that cluttered his own; it was just the opposite - for him to become more like her, to leave the old country behind so he could create a newer, better version of himself... (The Abstinence Teacher)

My suggestion is to replace the pronouns with their equal opposites. Then you'll have my state of mind today as I skip work and drown my insides with soy chai latte and a creamy gray fog on my outsides. So far, in spite of my tramping wanderlust mind, Friday tastes good. Or good enough. Okay for now.

I'm relieved that in a week I'll be laying in a hammock on the forested shore of Perch Lake. Michigan is calling me home, and as long as my eyes are closed I can smell the Maple and Pine and touch the humid air the way you delicately hold an old friend at arms length, by the shoulders, as you breath in their strange, missed existence. I'm restless for ancient familiarity. It's not as much the people that I'm desperate for - I'm confident in the connections I've maintained through long distance phone calls, snail mail pen-palling, and shared dreams - but it is the actual place, the reminders of so many good times (only some bad), and all the loose associations the Midwest atmosphere provides that is tugging on my heart strings. I used to think you could only find love from a few rare and special people throughout your life... Mom and Dad, siblings, the BFFs and significant others if you're lucky; but I've never been certain of love from any of these sources, it is truly just the air - the earth - that gives me the most contentment. Michigan, surrounded by HOMES, Lakes Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Eerie, and Superior, has cast out a precious bait and I'm fighting the world to get back on dry land.

1 year and 10 months I've lived in this foreign place of milk and honey, soaking in it and absorbing the lessons and values in order to develop and be reborn. In this expansive time I've felt my body and mind shudder in a few of life's contractions, but still I'm stuck within myself. I'm screaming in pain and I need to get out!

I came here to find something... attached to simple instinct and good faith, the world really did cast me out. Since, I've been waiting for something even more grand to get a bite of me and wiggle me off the hook so I can be fully taken in, but so far all I've been able to tempt are a few uncommitted nibbles. My worth is coming into question. If I don't find something or someone to hold onto, is my adventure worth anything at all? Am I learning? Am I creating a better version of myself?

To be evermore honest, in the past 2 years minus 2 months, I do feel like I've learn more about myself and the meaning of things than I imagined possible. I've recognized my bravery, my compassion, and my immortal ability to find then overcome profound difficulties. I've lived in unsafe and unhealthy neighborhoods and apartments with unsuitable people. I've fought the law. I've sued. I've won. I've been beaten down by relationships, broken and worn to mere marrow, and then I've picked myself up, shaken off the dust and walked on with my chin irrationally high in the air. I've got no family. No long standing friendships. No glue to hold myself together or my feet to this great city. En lieu of self-definition and cohesion, I've stacked my experiences on top of each other to gain height and a fresher perspective. I'm bigger than I used to be, perhaps a little unstable at times, but youthful and daring and nearly ready to fly. This, I think, really is the meaning of life. For now.

As I'm reeled back into the homeland next week, I expect I'll refuel and find some solid ground, re-rooting myself to all the wonderful things that matter. When I'm charged, I'll cut myself out again and throw myself back to the wind. I'll come back to SF and I'll continue to scout for new realities. My past gave me strong, enduring wings... you can bet I'll use them, always. Always stretching out, expanding, taking in a whole lot and giving back as much as possible, and creating a newer, better version of what I was and whatever I will be.

I sum with Modest Mouse.

"Florida"

Although we often wondered
It was no thing of wonder
The shit that flew from our minds
Grass stains and fresh fruit
Reminds our shoes of horse glue
On this ridiculous climb
With great tall vision
We built ourselves a mission
To ride out motives decide
Oh, with vague description
Of what we have been missing
So why would anyone try

It was always worth it
That's the part I seem to hide
And the busy ant empire
Put all your clothes inside

I wasn't always cargo

I guess I'll pack up my mind
It took so much effort
Not to make an effort
Oh, what a flawless design

It was always worth it
That's the part I seem to hide
And the busy ant empire
Put all your clothes inside

Even as I left Florida
(yee-ha)

It was always worth it
That's the part I seem to hide
And the busy ant empire
Put all your clothes inside

Even as I left Florida
Far enough, far enough
Wasn't far enough

Couldn't quite seem to escape myself
Far enough, far enough
Far from Florida
We were all drowning in cruise control
Far enough, far enough
Wasn't far enough

I stood on my heart supports thinkin'
"Oh my God, I'll probably have to carry this whole load."
I couldn't remember if I tried
I couldn't remember if I took my brain out, threw it so directly a the goal
I couldn't remember if I...
I could have my mind erased
And still not know exactly what I don't already know

Even as I left Florida