Being in Michigan, especially around the holidays, often inspires me to tap into my inner redneck in one way or another. Today I took a picture of the giant Uniroyal tire on I-94 just before crossing into the Detroit boundaries, and dozens of friends affirmed this display of redneck awesomeness with thumbs up on Facebook. It made me feel proud. Jeff Foxworthy is a god among men in my neck of the woods, so surely a redneck joke from him is the confederate flag sticker to the bumper - the icing on the cake - to my re-acculturation to the Mitten State once a year.
While it's easy to embrace this Michigander cheekiness, what's harder is taking hold of the warm and fuzzy Christmas spirit in wake of a hard break up with a.... oh, what word to use... a very nice young man? ...who, after telling me he needed to be single, moved onto a new set of legs just as quickly as he first fell in love with me (3 weeks time). Can't say I didn't see that coming. But a girl's gotta cope somehow...
Look, I suppose there were a few, subtle signs that my recent relationship wasn't ideal. It's clearer in hindsight. It is absolutely my failure for not dumping this jerkoff the first time he called me his exwife's name, or called her "baby" in front of me. But hell, I'm young and allowed to make a few mistakes. I'm allowed to be a Bad Santa. I'm allowed to say "Fuck It" on Christmas Eve- I have first amendment rights. I'm allowed to be angry, and I'm allowed to share my frustrations with the world, and I'm allowed to caution my young readers not to make the same blind mistakes I did.
Thus, I present this cheeky little post. Merry Christmas, everyone! And thanks for the inspiration, Mr. Foxworthy!
If he stays married on paper so he can reap health insurance from his exwife, he might be a douche bag.
If he keeps his exwife's ringtone unique from everyone else's (Caribbean Melody) because it reminds him of all the great vacations they took together, he might be a douche bag.
If he has to use his cell phone to remind him when your anniversary is, he might be a douche bag....
If he refuses to delete the reminder of his and his exwife's anniversary from his phone, he might be a douche bag.
If he only introduces you as his "friend" to his family only after you've move in with him, he might be a douche bag.
If he calls you a hypochondriac even though you have a genuine, chronic, painful, bloody health condition, he might be a douche bag.
If he picks a fight with you in front of your friends because you got ketchup on the fries you were sharing, he might be a douche bag.
If he mocks happy relationships on their way to marriage when you're in a cab on the way to a Hawaiian vacation together, he might be a douche bag.
If he says that your once in a life time display of confidence about your hobby makes you sound "cocky," he might be a douche bag.
If he says the only reason he asked you to move in with him is because he felt sorry for you, he might be a douche bag.
If he generally thinks people from your part of the country are uneducated, fat, and have unreasonable faith in Jesus, he might be a douche bag.
If he's a Catholic and thinks any of the previously mentioned, he might be a douche bag.
If he surprises you by taking you to see your favorite band in concert, then makes you pay for the tickets, he might be a douche bag.
If he tells you to hurry up when you're walking up a mountain and having an asthma attack, he might be a douche bag.
If he takes you rock climbing and gets you stuck hanging from a rope for 3 hours, 200 feet in the air, and gets mad at you for being a little shaken, he might be a douche bag.
If you give him hundreds of dollars worth of sports gear for Christmas and his response is "let's not do anything for Valentines Day," he might be a douche bag.
If the first thing he tells you is "you spelled 'your' wrong" in a love letter you wrote him, he might be a douche bag.
If he says your down jacket looks better on him, then tells you to buy a new one in the store for yourself that's $200, he might be a douche bag.
If he tells you that you don't make enough of an effort while you're making him a sandwich, he might be a douche bag.
If a friend has to tell him to comfort you when you've pulled your hip-flexer and are crying in a pile of snow, he might be a douche bag.
If you have another example of douchebagary from your life, don't be shy, add it in the comment section. It's a fun game! And it's a way healthier way to manage anger than slashing tires and drop kicking someone in the throat... :)
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