Big Versus Little

I get into these little arguments all the time about who's the better athlete, better actor, biggest star, who's the most virtuous, who's the biggest wanker, which roommate is allowed to be more stubborn, what's right, what's wrong, what's funny, what's stupid, what's big and what's little...

It's too bad I have these arguments considering I'm never wrong. That part's not arguable. I chalk it up to my gritty midwest upbringing, jackass older brothers and a natural competitive spirit. Given these circumstances, being right all the time is just a method of survival, and it fits me like an perfect A-line dress.

I guess the only thing that ever makes me hesitate is the detailed difference between big and little. I'm a witness to a big versus little fight on a constant, streaming basis; the battle never stops or ceases to amaze me... and in a war such as this, one could easily assume the big would kick the little's little butt. But it doesn't.

In my brain there are two minds - two voice - two selves, and they often struggle with keeping face. You could even say my minds have an identity problem, which really kind of sucks, and the only way for you to offer empathy is for me to explain, so keep reading. My little self is the voice in the front of my brain. It's the voice that tells me to look in the mirror a second, third, and fourteenth time before I leave for work; it's the voice that hates my eyebrows; it's the voice that tells me I'm too slow to go running, and it's the voice that doesn't always make sense. It's the self that told me to do online dating. It's the self that told me to do it again even after two disastrous relationships. It's the self that's telling me to sign up for two online dating sites now... for being a little self in a little part of my brain, it sure is taking up a lot of space, and it's sometimes all I hear.

The big self is a quite self. It's hosted way way in the back of my brain, like the secret closet in the attic that everyone forgets about and is full of moths and cobwebs. My big self hates that I care so much about my eyebrows. My big self wants to me to run, footloose. It wants me to have the best life, the best job and apartment and relationship, and it knows exactly how I can achieve these things, which is pretty remarkable. It's my big self that is always right when I'm in a sticky situation... it's how I know it's sticky because it pokes at me and makes me hold my breath, makes my body tense, makes my fingers numb... it's the barbaric voice that halts everything else like raising a giant red flag over the world until I pay attention. At least that's my big self's intention.

My big self and it's big grown up voice is hosted so far away from the front of things that it sounds more like an echo than a yelp. It's overly ironic in a way I don't need to point out, but I will anyway, that my big self is so darn little. It takes up so little space that my little self thinks it's running the joint. And my big self, being bigger and more humble, allows that to happen.

Now I get to choose the lesser of two evils: do I favor the little bully in me because despite it's size, it is strong and fearless, or do I favor the little angel in me that's always right but always taking the back seat like a world class pussy?

I am tired. IIIIIII am so exhausted from watching this fight take place in my head that now just the thought of it is knocking me out. My little self is cocky and egotistical and really getting a little carried away with it's judging and pushing and hating on everything else within me. My big self has become so shut down and intimidated by the opposing voice that it almost refuses to sneak out even in my dreams. I, the witness to this chaos, have to put a stop to the fight and lend a loving hand... towards my selves.

Conscience - shut it. Be quiet. Take a break.

Intuition - come out and play again. Remind me of who I am underneath the clothes and skin and ego. Take a stand once in a while, with exaggerated gusto and force if necessary!

This civil war may never end entirely. Actually, I'll probably get bored in a few days and let it revert just so I have some points of drama to hold onto. But all you readers, read this: I hearby declair my big self more rights and space in my brain. I shall allow myself to act on instinct, react to redflags, and indulge in the deep down dirty reality of the world. I shall silence the voice in me that judges every step I make, and in doing so, I will free it from it's burden of pleasing others. I will be me for a while, without chaos, without dopamine-slinging self hate, and without fear that I'm not complete.

I am me. I'm free to be. Just be.

Big Versus Little... hmm... the debate is inconclussive. Perhaps all my voices are winners in their own dumb ways.