To my unexpected delight, this is the latest episode I watched... it's about 20 minutes, but very much worth your time: Brene Brown - The Power of Vulnerability
For those of you who really just skipped over the cool part and onto my word vomit, let me summarize the discussion with what Brown said in a Huffington Post article:
If there's anything I've learned over the past decade and experienced firsthand over the last year, it's this: Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose.
Even if letting ourselves be seen and opening ourselves up to judgment or disappointment feels terrifying, the alternatives are worse: Choosing to feel nothing -- numbing. Choosing to perfect, perform, and please our way out of vulnerability. Choosing rage, cruelty, or criticism. Choosing shame and blame. Like most of you reading this, I have some experience with all of these alternatives, and they all lead to same thing: disengagement and disconnection.
I don't think you have to be a TEDtalk presenter to recognize the truth in everything Brown is saying, and it certainly doesn't take a genius to hypothesize how I feel about this topic. I started watching the episode in my power-hour of 11 o'clock PM, and it has sparked fireworks in my brain that echo so profoundly that there is nothing I can do but extend the sound through my fingertips on my keyboard.
Courage, Brown pointed out, is the ability to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. I think this is my new motto and personal mission. I know that I am only a fraction of the courage I can be. Now, because of something as simple as a 20 minute monologue from someone who I had never heard of before, I am energized to become even more me.
By living "out loud" - honestly, authentically, and boldly - and by taking risks without knowing what the payoff will be, or if there will be a positive return on my investments at all, I feel like I am starting to take more of my own shape in life. It feels like the rough edges around my persona can smooth out... I can lay down some of my rigid shields and defenses because there's no longer a point in protecting myself from my own fears. What will strengthen me and help me transcend is the very thing I've kept hidden most my life - that vulnerability.
A past therapist of mine called this "tolerating ambiguity." We (and I don't know if that's an American We or a gender specific We or an all of humanity We) seem to be programed for needing clear answers. It's either / or, yes or no, black or white. This is especially evident when we're assessing our own values and ideals.
- Am I a valuable member of my company? My community?
- Am I a good person?
- Am I making the world a better place?
- Am I lovable?
- Will I be happy?
Will I be happy if I stay put in the known, in the comfort zone, in my current apartment, job, zip code? Yes - No - Maybe so... Shit, where'd I put my magic 8-ball on this one? It'd feel a lot better to have an answer on all of these big life questions.
More importantly, I must ask myself: Will I be my Truest Self if I don't accept and appreciate the moments of not-knowing and absurd uncertainty? This is the only moment we've got, right? Gotta make it count! And it's true that sometimes the moment we're in outright stinks. Like Brene Brown discussed, we are born into suffering. Painful things happen. Our friends and family are plagued with illness and death, we endure economic hardships and job losses, we face heart break, and we DON'T KNOW what's going to happen to us... I don't think it's all about finding the positives and rising above this yucky stuff; what will make us stronger is actually grabbing a handful of the crap and uncertainty and fear, taking a deep breath, looking the mess straight in the eye and saying, "Why hello, yucky stuff! I see you! You are scary! You make me uncomfortable! THANK YOU!"
The more I can face my inner-demons this way, and the more I can even show those demons to the outer-world, the more true and whole-hearted I think I will become. The more whole-hearted I become, the more I'll be able to inspire positive action in the people and things around me (and what more could make me happy?). A few months ago I shared some ugly truths about my depression, and you know what happened? I felt better. And my friends huddled around me and supported me. And it taught people something, and maybe helped others suffering with their vulnerabilities. Evidently, yucky stuff yields wholeness and love.
Think of me (think of yourself!) as a trunk of a tree: Being courageous is like letting my roots and branches stretch out beyond my reach. I may not be able to do anything about them at a certain point, and I may be more exposed and vulnerable to the elements, but stretching out wide, with an open heart, will also provide me a stronger foundation. I can grow taller and provide more fruit to the world when I embrace the unknown - when I embrace my "opportunities for growth." Maybe with enough reach, I can become a shelter for someone/thing else, and I will feel truly useful in this crazy, chaotic place on Earth. It starts with accepting the maybe and making friends with the unknown.
Vulnerability, although yucky, is a gift. And I intend to use it.
